If I Don't Go, Who Will?
Here am I, Send Me
Drew Cline
It's real. I'm going to Germany. No, I haven't just figured this out. Yes, it has just started in sink in. I leave in less than a month. I am in the painful process of moving. I'm tired, and I am trying not think about how much I am going to miss my friends and family (biological, chosen, and church). I know that I cannot do this, but God can. I just have to fully realize that. I also think that I have, for some odd reason, reverted back to Pacific Time. That's probably not good. I'll figure it out.
Please continue to pray for me as all of this sets in. I am still in kind of a fog or daze or whatever. Not spiritually but mentally, perhaps? As in, I still am in slight denial about this whole thing. It's almost like an out of body experience. I can feel myself hovering over me screaming that I'm going to Germany, and my body is shaking its head saying, "Nope! What are you talking about?" Of course, when they come back together, mind wins, and I freak a little.
I know deep within me that God is in control. I am not doing this; God is. But, the human in me wants to completely spaz and cry. But, the Jesus in me tell me that everything will be perfect. I think I should listen more to my light in the dark world than me... the dark. Don't you? It helps that all of this is going on around Christmas. I am serious in saying that. I am constantly reminded of why I am going... for God. He humbled Himself and became a man. A God Man. Perfectly human and perfectly God. He dwelt among us and showed us how to live, then He (completely sinless) died a sinner's death only to conquer the grave to ultimately bring glory to God but to also save us from eternity without God. He died for me, so I work for Him. It's as simple as that. You ask me why I am going and I will give you this answer: I go because God called me, otherwise, I have no idea.
It's all up to Him. My life is His, and I think that's pretty cool. I don't have to worry about a thing as long as I serve Him. I had a choice to give up right to choose. But, I am not angry that God controls me. He knows me better than I know myself, and He will do whatever he wants to bring glory to Him, and you know what that is???? TO LOVE ME!! Yes! He loves me! The God who created everything loves me. It's breathtaking and romantic and beautiful and awe-inspiring. I'll do whatever it takes.
Some advice: Don't ask-- How far is too far? Ask this-- How far am I willing to go to please my God?
Give it up. Stop trying to control your life. I'm not saying that I have it all figured out or that I always let God control me. Technically, He does, but I still manage to try and fight it and make myself miserable. But, I know from experience how God can change a person. He changed me. Perhaps I'll tell you someday on this blog. I tend to start a lot of things at once. I'm currently reading four books, and I have two or three writing projects going. What I want to do-- more like what I feel like I need to do is to finally write my story. I will share it one day, and you'll get glimpses of it as I go along because I am sure that I will be forced to examine myself more and more as I prepare for Germany and as I work in Germany.
I also wanted to let you know that the state of my heart is pretty amazing. Thanks for your concerns and prayers. God knows what He's doing, and I love Him all the more. I hope to never stop learning and discovering. I never want to stop improving.
Dear reader, seek Him with all of your heart. Give Him your troubles, hopes, and dreams. Delight yourself in Him. Become like Him, and you will be amazed at how He makes you whole.
Dear Friend,
I had a breakthrough of sorts tonight. It hurt a lot, but I'll be OK. I have been searching hard for a God moment, but I was looking in all the wrong places. I was looking for something to happen with certain people or for a situation to work out exactly how I wanted it. I wasn't living in the present; I was living for the future, and that's dumb. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow, so you must live for today. I had a feeling something huge was going to happen this week. It did. It wasn't what I wanted. Like I said, it hurt a lot, but what's coming out of it is far better than what I wanted.
I was being selfish. I was not thinking about God. Well, I was, but I was putting Him in my box. He really has His way to get the focus back on Him. My poor little heart was broken, and it is all for Him. I don't blame God because He showed me how much I really need Him. I have a feeling it's a glimpse into how I will have to fall into His arms in Germany. There are some things I cannot explain because I have no clue what it's about. I cannot explain some thing because some things just need to be left unsaid. All I know is that God loves me, and all I want to do is serve Him. All I want is to be broken to the point where I can only rely on Him to get me through. That way, He is in control of my life, and His best for me really will happen. I don't want control. All I manage to do is get myself hurt. I get tunnel vision in the worst way, and He knows that. He also knows how to blow up the tunnel.
I learned tonight that I really cannot rely on people to make me fully happy. I know that God made us relational, but we can't get our happiness from people. People are fallen. That includes me. I can't even make myself happy. I'm my own worst enemy and critic most of the time. Actually, happiness is fleeting. I need and want contentment in life. That's feeling joy no matter the crap that goes on around you. This evening, I took a big dose of sick to learn that. I made myself physically ill because of my tunnel vision... because I relied on a person to make me happy... because I was lying to myself that God was in control. He made me a promise, and that should have been it. Instead, I have manipulated a lot things kind of passive aggressively. There are other more aggressive things I could have done that could have gotten me a lot more hurt.
Even when I tried to control the situation, God still was (is) all powerful and helped me avoid getting my heart ripped to shreds. I still have hope and faith in His promise, but I won't be concentrating on it. It's not what I need to be working for. God is what I need to be working for. I need to live in His love and accept His grace. There is nothing I can do to earn His favor or blessings. Really, life is a blessing. I am victorious.
Here's to a healing, wounded heart--
Jennifer
*** I have the feeling something huge is about to happen. I can't explain it; I just know it. Please pray that I remain hopeful, faithful, and patient as I wait. ***
For me, the worst thing that could happen is writer's block. Well, in reference to writing-- not just in general. I usually get some kind of block when I am writing a paper, but I usually just get it for a short time. It usually comes when I am trying to write that last page of a 10 page paper. It's pretty much fluff after page 5, but if I extend it to 10 pages, it's crap. Thus, my dilemma. It usually works itself out in the end. However, whenever I post to my blog, I can find my words, hone in on a topic or two and go. Not since my birthday have I been able to write. That's why you're getting this. I've tried several times to write something only to get completely disgusted or discouraged and just x-out the screen. I don't even try to save it to improve on it. I have found it easy for the past while to write about what God has been doing in my life or what's going on around me or what I am feeling as I get ready for my trip to Germany. So much has happened even since my birthday that I want to tell everyone but I am at a loss for words. It's just a matter of writing and writing and not caring what it looks like.
Have you ever had a birthday wish come true? I mean like make-a-wish-blow-out-the-candles wish? Maybe in the context of God, wish isn't the best word to use, but I had a birthday wish like that. A better translation may be hope, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I may have wished upon two stars, too. (Well, I found out that they were Venus and Jupiter. Does that mean it really really counts or really really doesn't?) Let me say that this wish/ hope expounds upon a promise God revealed to me. It was one of those wishes that I knew would come true eventually, but I wanted it right now. Wrapped and put under my Christmas tree.
Well, I can say that without a doubt, my God is faithful. He knows when the time is right, and I truly believe his eyes light up when he proves his faithfulness to his children. I mean, dang. This was more than I could have ever wished for. The greatest thing is is that it's just the beginning. My heart almost didn't know what to do. It thinks it knows now, and I really have to check myself so that I don't get anxious. I know his timing is perfect and mine sucks. Oh! Check out this great verse. It's one that I've always known about, and it's pretty mainstream, I guess.
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 (TNIV)
Even though if you were to hear what my wish was, you'd say I was silly. I'd have to disagree. You see, God promised me something. Through that promise, I have learned to rely on him. That promise helped me realize how to hope again. So, I hoped for it. I knew that God would be faithful and provide it for me one day. I knew that it would be so over the top amazing that I would fall head over heels more in love with Him. God has stolen my heart, and he likes to show me ways he takes delight in me. It baffles me, but he really really loves me.
Thank you God for knowing me better than I know myself. Thank you for my gift-wrapped surprise! Thank you for it all.
Here are some things that have made this the best birthday ever:
1. Getting 'Happy Birthday' sung to me in a Mexican restaurant after being scared from having a balloon (purposefully) popped behind me.
2. Decorating my church for Christmas.
3. Getting (nearly) dragged in front of everyone at Fusion and being, uhm, serenaded by Lauren and Cory.
4. All the great birthday wishes and hugs!
5. My friends allowing me graces for bad grammar and acting like an idiot.
6. Getting talked about in Neace's sermon.
7. A cake with my name spelled something like Jefer. Really??
8. My friends making me smile by telling me about my perfect birthday present. It's OK that you couldn't get it. It's the thought...thoughts... heehee.
9. Hearing one of my favorite sermons again.
10. Allowing God to really show me how great He is by getting me unstuck and Him continually allowing me to praise Him.
11. God improving my life one step at a time by giving me great (awesomely great) friends, family, a special special promise that He knows will only result in the glorification of Him, the chance to work for Him in Germany for nearly half a year, and a new home in Him through my church.
Lauren: I can't this this song out of my head! "Last Christmas, you gave me my heart..." [after singing it multiple times]
Me: Lauren, I am going to kill you. I can't get that song out of my head!
Lauren: [not paying attention to what she's doing] Last... oh...
Love,
Jennifer
As of late, Sundays are my day of restlessness. It's pretty annoying when I walk into my church and feel like something is pulling me down and keeping me distracted. I love my church, and I have come to realize the meaning of having a church home. I also think that the enemy has realized that I realize this, so he's really annoying the crap out of me, but that won't stop me from going. I'll go and let God deal with him.
Sundays always make me think a lot. I guess it's the day I subconsciously (or unconsciously -- joke, btw) choose to unpack my week. I read a lot. Now, that may come as a huge shock to some of you, but yes, the English major reads a lot. I read a lot of everything: news, blogs, fiction, non-fiction, and the Bible. The Bible gets its own genre. I think that's how it should be. A lot of the non-fiction that I read are things like C.S. Lewis or as of late a book on relationships. Well, relationships is too general a term. The book is When God Writes Your Love Story (WGWYLS). I know that a few posts ago (on my blogger) that I posted something on relationship advice. I am not discounting what I wrote; I want to add to it. I was feeling kind of cynical when I wrote some of the post, but I still hold true to it.
When I first read WGWYLS, I had no idea what I was reading. I thought the ideas were good but were far too lofty for anyone. Especially me. There were some things that seemed nice, but they were way out my grasp. Oh, how silly I was. I wasn't mature enough in my walk to understand it. Or, I was too distracted by the fact that I was still single with no prospects, and this was a distraction so I could pretend to hand it over to Jesus. See, silly. As I reread this book, I have come to know more about God and what He wants for my life. If you can look past come of the cheese the book offers, there is a lot to learn. The basic principle of the book is to give this area over to Jesus, and He'll take care of it. If you take a closer look, the authors guide you through what that process looks like and what the end result will be. It's not a formula or a step-by-step guide. The process takes time and allowing God to work in your life and in your heart and the end result is this glorious romance with the Lover of your heart.
Alright, things are about to get grungy. What I am about to say applies as much to me as it does to you. It's an area that no one wants to really talk about, but it should be. People should be shouting this everywhere they go. What is it? Purity. Uh-oh. Now I've done it. You know, this part of the book really struck me. I wish I could copy and past those chapters here, but that's not so legal. So, I will sum up.
Purity is not just physical. It's emotional as well. Not only do you want to be physically pure for the person you are to one day marry, you want to be emotionally pure. That cannot start the day of the wedding. It takes practice and commitment to this man or woman before you even meet him or her. Begin practicing purity right now by cherishing your future spouse with your thoughts, actions, and words. What you do now will affect your future. That seems like an obvious statement, but it's so true. This is a summary of about two great chapters one each written by the husband and wife. The Scriptural basis for the chapter written by the wife is Proverbs 31:12. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. ALL THE DAYS.
I think this (my) generation is lacking total purity. "If we are really after 'the beautiful side of love,' the version of romance that would make Hollywood's collective chin drop to the floor, then we need to pursue becoming a lover like the Great Lover Himself! We need to seek to reflect the goodness of our great God. He was not only a Lover who laid down His life for His Bride and kept Himself spotlessly pure in heart, mind, and body; He was also a Lover who was wholly faithful. In other words, Jesus knew how to blend His love and purity with patience. He Knew how to be single with a purpose, in a way that would honor and cherish His future Bride" (Ludy 127).
I cried when I read that. Even if it is not God's will for you (or me) to be married, nothing you do in guarding our hearts, thoughts, and cherishing our future spouse will be wasted. This all is an investment in your glorious future for the day when you will become the Bride of Christ. Start living this way now. It's not too late. Despite the past, God wash you white as snow.
I pray that purity and faithfulness become a habit for me and for you. It takes practice and hard work, but it will be worth it in the end. Ask God what you can do to love Him more and more. He will let you know in His gentle way.
God really knows how to touch my heart. I mean, he flat out gives me butterflies in my stomach and makes my heart beat so fast I think I might faint. When I think about how much He loves me, I can't help but getting all giddy. I cannot wait to live my life for Him. There is so much to do and so much see and so many people to enjoy.
I have been truly blessed. You can read a couple of posts down at how much He's blessed me, but that doesn't even being to stratch the surface! God satisfies me! My trust is in Him and because of that I know my relationships will be blessed. Why? When you put your trust in God, everything falls into place. It may not be pretty getting there. It may not be easy, but looking back, you realize it was all for something. That something is His glory!
I cannot say this enough: You are the happiest (actually, content) when He is glorified. My heart skips a beat when He shows me the little things He's doing to fill me up. Psalm 37:4 says that when you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart. It's true! Praise Him, it's true!! When you delight in Him, all you want to do is glorify Him. His desires become yours and your wildest dreams cannot hold a candle to the plan He has for you.
Oh, it is so amazing and so freeing. Surrender is freeing. Death is sweet. I beg you, do not hold back anymore! The God of this universe is seeking after you! Let Him capture your heart. Let Him pour into you. Let Him do with you what He will!! Let not this world be your guide. Shine because He loves you. Love like Christ. Get lost in His Word. Get lost in Him. Never give up and never let go!
Give thanks to the Almighty King who saved you from death. Give thanks to Him who blesses you with life. Give thanks to Him for showing you a better life and a better love. Show His love not just with your mouth but with your hands and feet. There is a calling on your heart; do not deny it. Unexplainable joy, rapture, peace, harmony, and love abound from answering that call.
Give it up! Give it to HIM! Shout it from the rooftops!!
I LOVE MY GOD!
There is a joy in knowing a person. The joy does not come in figuring someone out. The joy comes from always learning new things about who they are. Please don't try and figure someone out or reduce them to a quirk. Take joy in who they are. See a person past a mood or a look. There is more there. Believe it or not, it hurts when you tell someone that you've figured them out. It tells that person that you have a limited view of who he or she is.
People are amazing. God created us in His likeness. Can you figure God out?
I don't know where to begin. It seems the cliche thing to do to give thanks during this time of year, but I'm going to do it anyway.
I am tired of wanting to thank people and not doing it. God has given me so much, and I want to be thankful for it before it/ they go away and it's too late. So, here I go.
I am first and most thankful for my unchanging God. He loves me despite all my insanity and when I don't express thanks for what He's done for me. You, Father, life me up when I am down. You keep me strong when I am weak. You keep my life full and complete. I praise you, Beautiful One. I cannot express enough gratitude, and I cannot wait for the day when I see your face.I am thankful for Stephanie Sidow and Meredith Sommer. You mean more to me than I can even put into words. You ladies are amazing Godly women who have shown me that I can be a better person than what I think I can be. I love you.
I am thankful for the BCM Lead Team. You follow the Spirit, and it shows through your dedication to challenge people to grow in the Lord.
I am thankful for the BCM. God really used all the people in it to show me a better way of life. I came alive the moment I stepped foot in Towne View for my first Fusion.
I am thankful for my amazing prayer warriors. You know who you are. Without you, I can not stand and fight this battle alone.
I am thankful for my church. It was truly a God thing that brought me to it, and it is God who keeps me there. It is an amazing place to call home, and all of the people I have encountered there are a blessing. I never could have imagined a better place to go to in my times of need.
I am thankful for my family. Despite it all, we find some way to stay strong and together. Your support for what I am trying to do in my life is what makes this all possible.
I am thankful for the people who have been sprinkled throughout my life who have had a great impact on it. Whether you be a friend, an old teacher, a supervisor, or spiritual counselor, you have changed my life for the better.
I am thankful for the strangers in my life who hold the door for me, cook and serve meals, and all the other things no one wants to do.
I am thankful to all those who have done me harm. Without you, I would not know the things I know about me or my God. Through you, I have held fast to my Lord, and He has shown His faithfulness. God bless you.
My life is impossible without God and without His children He has placed in my life.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Know that if I could thank you properly, I would literally die of gratitude.
